Knowledge is Awesome with Mr Beilschmidt
by ObeytheCupcake
Summary: Anyway, so yeah. I'm a teacher now! They hand those degrees out like candy if I can get one! So the whole point of 'Knowledge is Awesome with Mr. Beilschmidt' is to teach you history. But not in a boring kind of way since you got me here. I'll try my very best to make your 'learning' experience fun. The reason 'learning' is like that 'cause I know you're here for my abs.


Mmmyup. I went to college, boys and girls, and became an awesome teacher. Now you may be asking yourself 'Wut kind lulz' and you can shut your mouth up right now 'cause I'll tell you.

It would only make sense for me to become a history teacher since, ya know, I used to be a country. Oh, the glory days.

Anyway, so yeah. I'm a teacher now! They hand those degrees out like candy if I can get one!

So the whole point of 'Knowledge is Awesome with Mr. Beilschmidt' is to teach you history. But not in a boring kind of way since you got me here. I'll try my very best to make your 'learning' experience fun. The reason 'learning' is like that 'cause I know you're here for my abs.

Anyway, so today we'll be learning about the Egyptian creation theory… Well, the second one. Know the 40 days of rain? This is kind of like a spin off.

We'll take a look into what they believed back in days where AC unites didn't exist. What a sad time.

Before the earth became the way we know and somewhat love, there was nothing but blackness and a large water mass. And out of this water, one day, an egg came up from the water. And so, this sea-egg hatched and then Ra was like 'What up' but nobody said anything since no one was there.

Ra, if you don't know, was the sun god in ancient Egypt. Since first thing in the morning you typically see the sun. If you don't then you're either experiencing cloudy weather or you're buried alive, but everyone does. So the Egyptian people thought of Ra as important since he was associated with so many things like life, a new day, blah, blah, blah.

So once the sea egg baby hatched he became the all mighty and powerful. And since he was all mighty and powerful, he could take many forms. And once he spoke names and stuff, the stuff would appear.

He said Shu and then some wind blew. He was like 'hella rad' and said Tefnut (not tuff-nut. It sounds like tuff-noot) and then it rained some. Fun fact, they called Tufnut the spitter and they believed whenever it'd rain, Tufnut was actually hacking some loogies all over the earth.

Anyway then he said Geb and then the earth formed. And then he formed Nut (Said like Noot) and she was the sky. Cool thing 'bout it was that she was believed to be arched over the sky. Pretty neat, I think. He then said Hapi and the Nile river came into the picture.

Ra did said some more stuff before he decided to leave best for last; mankind. Then he went down to the earth and became the first pharaoh of Egypt for a pretty long time. He did such a good job that they would talk all nice things about him and would say stuff like 'which happened in the time of Ra.'

But since he was become an old geezer, his peeps didn't respect him like they used to. Well, respect meaning as feared. So they would always pick on him and bully him. Apparently it was offensive when they'd say 'His bones are like silver, his flesh like gold and his hair the color of lapis lazuli!'

UGH, I'M SO OFFENEDED. You dare compare my skin with gold!? You have the audacity to say my bones are as valuable as silver!?

But either way, he got pretty pissed off at their smartass comments. But what really grinded his gears was when they wouldn't follow the rules. So, being a pissed off old man, he decided to gather some of the other gods he had created to have a little bitch fest.

And when he got the gods together so he could nag about his people like they were his wife, he said something on the lines of 'Look at these little bastards doing stuff they shouldn't. What should I dos?'

To which, most of them were drama whores and said 'Send your daughter, Sekhmet down there and show them who's boss.'

So he said something like 'Oh, so you want me to send my hormonal teenaged daughter down to Egypt and take care of my problems? HAHAH okie-doki.' And he did.

And so his daughter came over into being and she was like 'OMG, what dad?' and he said 'Go down to Egypt and think those people are all Jason.' Or something like that. And so, she did what her Dad had said and started to slaughter all the people of Egypt. And when she would kill these people, she would celebrate each and every murder with drinking there blood.

…How nice.

And then Ra said 'Tell me about the murder' and she said 'With the life you've given me, I have surely do the vengeance.' And her killing spree went on FOR DAYS. Like, a really long time to the point where the Nile River was filled with blood.

But after a while, Ra was feeling pretty guilty. He was such a softy and started to take pity on them. He soon started to feel pretty bad for unleashing his hormonal teenaged daughter on mankind so he deiced he wanted to stop her killing spree.

So he told his daughter to chill out she replied with 'Fuck you, Dad. Yolo'. No one could stop the out of control, rebellious teenager and soon, he knew for sure that his creation of man would soon be gone due to it.

And they complain about kids these days.

Ra sat there and thought 'What makes people chill out?' and since weed wasn't really known there, he couldn't result to that. But then he thought about some beer and had an 'Ah-ha!' moment. "I will get my daughter drunk!"

Then Ra told his messenger to go to Elephantine, an island, and bring ochre. Now this stuff was colored red. His plan was to dye some beer red, make his daughter think it's blood and then she'll chug it like a college student would with a keg. And no, I'm not saying that through experience… Okay, I lied but that's another story for another day.

And so he told his messenger to mix the ochre and beer together and flood some streets with it. He was like 'Why the hell?...' to which Ra replied 'It's a dad thing, you wouldn't understand.' The messenger then flooded the streets with the beer and once the day came, she did too.

She started to laugh, saying 'oh boy, who am I going to kill today?' but when she got to the city, she saw no one. BUT she did see the beer that was red and she did indeed believe it was blood of the people she had killed. So she leaned over, drank it from the streets and was like 'Finger lickn' good!'.

Ra basically made his teenage daughter WASTED; so wasted that she was unable to kill anyone else. How sad. But when she came home from 'clubbing' , Ra said 'You're pretty mellow' and she said 'Hells yeah' and when she came home her named changed to Hathor. And with her name change, she became the goddess of love and stuff related.

Then they lived happily ever after! I love happy endings :D


End file.
